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July 12 2009
Man, last night I saw Ciarra sing Heal The World on the BET Awards. Man, that shit was atrocious! I cannot believe how horrible she was. I bet Mike was turning in his body locker at the morgue as she sang that! We should start a revolution. I am so mad at the current state of BLACK music! I miss real music. We need a Rufus/Brand New Heavies vibe going on.
Around 9:30ish tonight. I needed to cry. I was hiding my sadness as long as I was out of the house, but on my way back home…the darkness descended upon me. Mike, where are you and what are you thinking? Feeling? The ability to feel and empathize is a precious fragile thing.
Ahhh, I got Love Jones on DVD! Thanks Taryn! Man, I want a Darius Lovehall of my own, minus the smoking.
Got my Special Commemorative Mike Edition of the LA Times. They printed the Mike part on a special thicker kind of paper. Nice! Greg Philllinganes got a mention in the full page thank you. There’s a black Mike pic on this section that I can’t look at. It’s his eyes. And this time it is not a “his eyes are beautiful” thing. There is a sadness and aloneness that I can identify with oh so well. And it hurts. This still feels untrue. Like, this cannot possibly be true? Although my tears are drying, I don’t think I’ll live another day and experience the joy of when we had his physical presence. Why ain’t Cher dead?
I now understand and readily accept that fact that whatever it is that I am looking for in life, my family won’t be the ones to give it to me. Although I live in a house full of people, I am still alone because no one there is there; truly for me. I am the outsider. I find my happiness in others. In this way, I think Michael captured my heart…because I understood his unhappiness and he understood mine.
I love you Michael, Always. When I am serious I say Michael, otherwise I refer to him as Mike. I remember one time (I wanna say it was Sheba) said that I talk about him like I really know him. I laughed, but funny thing is, I do in some small way.
A lyric to an Amel Larrieux song goes: Your Eyes are the windows to heaven. Your smile could heal a million souls. I don’t know if I have ever been able to articulate or if I have ever read words that better describe Michael than these. It then goes on to say: I think the angels are your brothers. They told you about me. Said you’re just what she needs. And I find myself thanking your mother for giving birth to saint. Must be replies when I say your name.
As I am wearing my heart on my sleeve these days I will share the one Mike song that has always made me cry, and I don’t know why. Maybe Tomorrow. That song has gotten to me on some fundamental level ever since I became a fan. It’s playing in my head right now and I can feel the tears forming. Now with this sad turn of events, the melody seems unbearable. I don’t know how many stars there are up in the heavenly sky. I only know my heaven’s here on earth. It’s time you looked in to my eyes. The way you do baby.
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