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Once Upon A Time I Went To See 50 Shades of Grey. I only went to get out of the house to try to alleviate some of this funk I’ve been in. Never read any of the books. Never been interested enough to hop on the band wagon.
From the start it was to be an interesting experience. Got to the movies early so that I could order food and dranks before the lights went down. WRONG! As I walked to the theatre the employees were in a huddle having a bitch fit about being understaffed. I step into the theatre and there’s still dirty food dishes all over the place. It’s 10:20 and the movie starts at 10:30. When they did come in to clean one employee was cussing like a sailor. Because they didn’t have the place cleaned on time the movie started late. The the coupe de gras…THEY RAN OUT OF FOOD! All you could order was drinks. They never tried to rectify the situation. I wanted drinks but decided that the $19.75 I paid for the experience was all the money I was giving MGN Five Star Cinema.
To the movie, Seattle is pretty. I want to visit. The main chick looks like a bummier version of Anne Hathaway. The main dude has a mouth like Garfield the cat. Seriously, he had this pursed whisker thing going on at the corner of his mouth at the edge of where a mustache would be. Every time he was on the screen all I saw was Garfield! See, look at that little round parts with the three dots!
Because of all of the hoopla I thought it was gonna be Ike Turner meets (insert name of porn star here) WRONG! It was hella soft core. Why did he always have on jeans and no underwear. Who does that? Maybe it’s a white guy thing. I don’t dabble in that kind. Anyway, glad the girl was natural looking and not emaciated. Shouts out to the pubic hair! Real women ain’t staying baby ass bare down there…we ain’t 6!
The main dude also had fingernails like toenails. The blonde roommate looked like Donna Pinciotti. Why wasn’t ol girl giving Jose some play. Why did Bummy Ann Hathway let him whup her ass then get all in her feelings about it? Child cheese! It wasn’t a bad movie, but it lacked the drama and passion. It wasn’t a real relationship anyway. It was an arrangement and Bummy Anne Hathaway was way in over her head.
Why did the virgin fall in love with the psychotic sex guy? Why did she even indulge without signing the contract. Bitch you shoulda got some coin for that nastiness and kept that car. I kept fearing he was going to rape her and then cut her up in little pieces and feed her to his family dog/moose hybrid Rex. Looks like his mama would have covered that up quite nicely then went to brunch at the country club with Pat and Sally.
Back to the movie going experience…some dude was snoring his ass off and his wife didn’t even wake him up. That was the highlight of the movie to me.
It ended hella stupid. “By Ann, Bye Christian.” I was like…they betta come with some bloopers or something during these credits like a Jackie Chan movie. All, in all I give it a C for cum because that was about all I took from that movie.
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