by 
The trial has taken it’s toll and it’s only day 2. Cried 3 times today and am fighting back tears as I type this. Sometimes I wish I was incapable of love. That way it wouldn’t hurt so much. The absolute core of my horror is upon me again, dredging up the worst way I could possibly feel. It’s an old feeling. A 1 1/2 yr old feeling so I will just revisit. Here is my first blog entry dated June 25, 2009: The Worst Day of My Life
June 25, 2009
Never have I felt so much pain and wept an ache inducing cry. Now I know how it feels to lose someone you love. I don’t know how me waking to see another day will be. I have lost my hope. That shining bauble, just out of reach, but there….there for me in so many ways. What is this world without magic, without love, without enchantment? The world is forever changed and never the same. From this day forth I feel kind of shell shocked. A shell of my former self. Walking zombie-like through life without my hope. My fanciful hope. I recently started thinking and working on ways to get to London. That was what I was going to greet everyday with…Get to London. Now what? I honestly feel like god has forsaken me or something. He knew I was holding on to Mike to get through the day-to-day which is my life and now he has taken him away from me. What do I have left? The music of course. Man, the way the base line just courses through my body on errthang off the wall. Or the attack of the lyrics on BAD and Dangerous. I was waiting for him to do the nina pop. He did the bankhead bounce in 1995. That was cool. I Liked that bob, but why did he have his shirt open on you are not alone and what was up with the nakedness. Looking like Mr. Burns, eww eww ewww! He my play uncle though. Always, like Josh and Reva.
I have lost something and someone who meant so much to me without us even meeting. It’s funny how God puts people in your life. I never even paid that dude any attention until the summer of 1998. My sister was out in South County on the job hunt and bought The Wiz on VHS. I hadn’t seen it in over 10 years, had pretty much forgot about it. As soon as I saw the Mike on the Pole with the Crows, I was mesmerized. How delicate, how warm, how friendly, how funky was he! I mean I played that tape over and over again. I even knew his parts. I loved to say “we don’t need no cabs.” It took me a month or so to learn how to moon walk in my mom’s old raggedy payless slides. My fave quote from Mike’s many quotes in the movie was …”ignorance is the night of the mind, a night without moon or star” Typing that just made me smile. Before then I was too afraid to watch the Thriller video. Yea, it totally scarred me as a small child. I was 17 when I finally watched it in its entirety (I peeked through my fingers on the monster parts). See, Mike makes me feel good. His majesty, artistry, the way he walked, the way he wiped the sweat from his brow, the way he keeps the beat with that foot, the way he pumps with his neck when he moonwalks. That pelvic thrust be killing me. He makes the simplest moves so BIG! It’s magic! I wonder… wow; God made this incredible person…and gave him the gift of song. That song is his ministry to the world. Funny how I be looking for stuff to prove he is real, that he is a brutha. Like that interview where he is eating fried chicken, or the fact that he was drinking a Budweiser on the set of We Are The World (well he had it in his hand), or when instead of saying We Don’t he said it ebonically like We Ont. Ooh, or that time I read in J. Randy Taraborelli that Mike called some chick a heifer. Ooh, and how he was talking about he liked Bar-B-Que. Ya’ll know he patented a mechanism by which to do the smooth criminal lean in concert? You know he has this way of vocal delivery which sounds like he is on the verge of crying. Check out We’ve Already had Enough. You know, he has the most beautiful eyes. The most beautiful eyes, well next to an old boyfriend I had when I was 15. Ask Darren, I was afraid to look into his eyes in 2006. I messed up and found footage of him in like 1981 shooting a Suzuki commercial in Japan and I thought he was cute and it totally fucked up my psyche. Til that time I had never seen a version of Mike that I thought was attractive. His ears didn’t change. They are still the same shape. His ears used to be darker than his face in the mid-late 80’s. Just like a black baby that is getting its color. Maybe he’ll be wherever Tupac and Elvis are. He aint gone. Ooh, and on the Dirty Diana video when he tears off his shirt he is light on the front but darker on his back. Or how in Yokohama Japan on the 2nd leg of the Bad Tour he had his hair in a ponytail and I could see his kitchen. Yea, Mike needed a touch up. Or how he calls out peoples names when they are not doing something they are supposed to. See he be singing and in the middle of the lyrics you hear …life aint so PAT at all if you live it PAT wall.
He should have worn jeans more often. He looked good in jeans in the early 80’s. One time I was in the car with Adrianne and I was singing PYT and I made the AH sound and she was like…did you just make that noise and I said yea, it’s a part of the song. I’m angry. Why couldn’t someone else die? Kobe Bryant, Bill Murray, Phil Spector, Fuckin Bin Ladin, them Mennonite men who were raping women on the commune.
By far this is the 2nd worst day of my life. Man, I be so damn tired of Katie on Moonwalker. She always doing dumb shit and Mike always gotta save her ass. And why can’t I get upstairs on the Sega Moonwalker game? Yea, I got it! I be kickin and spinning and throwing my hat and I just cant climb those damn stairs. I got up there once though, then I was stuck walking pool table to pool table cause I couldn’t figure out what to do next. I like the way he says Dodger Stadium on the last night of the Victory Tour in LA. Ooh, and Shake Your Body Down in my fave Jacksons song and why does Mike yell break it down at least 9 times (I counted) during the performance. Ooh, years and years ago I had a dream that we were at a sleep over on the Scream set. The dream was in black and white like the video and I accidentally touched Mike’s face and he got mad at me. He just glared at me. That was scary. With all the surgery he had he could still make facial expressions.
This makes no sense. Senseless. I just don’t understand why? Ooh and Mike does a funky, come here girl finger to the ladies. His fingers are long, like he has an extra joint or something. I have a picture of him kissing a black girl in concert in the late 70’s early 80’s. I always tell people…when I get the space modulator from Marvin the Martian and the Flux Capacitor for Marty McFly, I am going back in time to be Mike’s friend. Just a friend…to shoot the breeze with and talk malarkey, he wouldn’t want me to say shit. I feel that there is no way to live your life healthy, death comes upon you not matter how skinny or fat you are so just live and die. Like we could just philosophize about stuff. Maybe he wouldn’t have had so many nose jobs if someone really saw the beauty in him. I see it. Wouldn’t it be weird if he never had a nose job but still lost his color? In this warped way of thinking, maybe things happen for a reason. I like the way he breaths at the end of ballads. Like on I’ll be there and she’s out of my life. He made an art out or breathing between words. I can just close my eyes and be transplanted to a place. That place is Michael Jackson or maybe Neverland. I just recently, like in the past month, realized that Mike is a place for me. A place in my mind and heart where there is happiness and I am whole, I am at peace. He is my Someone in the Dark. He never had a lot of lips. Just added that red lipstick. Funny, red lipstick. You know who could get it? Jackie Jackson. That dude had mad body! I find myself looking at his pecks and totally ignoring Mike. I can just see the sweat drippin all over his body (in shenene from martin voice). Jackie was fuin in those 1970’s standards. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my phone to ring because I hear Mike’s voice. I don’t want to see my screen saver cause I see Mike during dress rehearsal in Japan on the Bad Tour. I don’t want to open my closet cause I don’t want to see my collection of Mike stuff. Guess I am in denial. Glad I don’t have TV or the internet. I’m sure my composure would not be decent enough to lay out my thoughts.
Let’s see. In 2007 I went to a fan event and Joe Jackson was there. We were in the same room. I had a giddy moment. I thought…OMG IM BREATHING TO SAME AIR AS MICHAEL JACKSON’S DADDY! He looks just as mean in person too. I don’t see how Mike put on all of that make up every day. I hate taking off make up when I come back from the club n stuff. His eyeliner was cool during the BAD days. It’s like his eyes can see through to your soul. They are soothing and kinda whisper…hi, how you doin? No worries. I think he would smell funny. Like, not a bad smell, but a unique Michael Jackson smell. Why did he have carebear power coming out of his shirt on captain Eo? He was really funny looking in 1985 when he was way lighter than the thriller days, but still had his dark Michael Jackson healthy face and the short curl. I am starting to think he had a couple of tracks for the BAD album. His hair was really long in 2 years. It was like a leisure curl. Why did he tear of randy’s cloth on Victory Tour? Hey, I went to see Stars on Ice in 2006 in the same arena he started the BAD Tour in 1987. I was like AHH MICHAEL JACKSON WAS HERE 20 YEARS AGO! I saw Michelle Kwan and Syryah Bonaly. They were awesome! It’s Only A Movie! He sure was chomping that popcorn on Thriller. I would have walked through a graveyard with him any night. His eyebrows were always immaculately arched and to quote J. Randy Taraborelli…”his lips were glossed to a subtle sheen.” Ahhh, the eyes again. I call it eye-itis. Wasn’t it the weirdest thing when he kissed the lisa marie chick? They wanna get my ass dead or alive. Don Sneddon is a cold man indeed. Hey, Mike cussed. Maybe I can say shit.
No worries, all I have is worries. I have watched Ghostbusters, Who Framed Roger Rabbit and some of Amelie and it all seems like blur. I heard off the wall at like 10:30 something this morning. I was jamming all the way to wherever it is I was going. I was texting bruh dav diggler around the time the 9-1-1 call came in. 12:21pm 12:24pm. I did eat a bowl of cereal this evening. Never in my life have I cried out loud. I sobbed, I slobbed…all while driving home to be alone and stew in my grief. I’m not done though. I haven’t been able to share my grief in the company of other fans who love him. WHO LOVE HIM. THERE IS NO PAST TENSE HERE, the way I do. Im’a leave you with something beautiful…
There have been others, but never two lovers like music and me….
Im’a leave it there. Yea, that feels like an ending, but not the end.
by