My play-by-play commentary on the Lost Final Season Premiere:

Ooh chile, how did Desmond get on the plane?

Oooooh, the island is under water and there go that big foot.

Oh lord please don’t let Jacob do nothing to Hurley.

Get Em Richard! “Maybe you should talk to him first”, ha!

Aww, Charlie Od’d . Damn he still died. Fucking drugs! Awh, de just tried to swallow he evidence

How she alive if the damn bomb core blew up? And in one piece?

Oooh, Locke the Smoke Monster!

Aww, Sawyer. Guess he gotta kill Jack now.

Why is Miles so clean?

I hope Sawyer don’t do nothing to Hurley since he knows he won the lottery.

Where is Michael, Vincent, and Walt? Why is Kate going to LA if she killed old dude in Iowa?

Poor Locke all paralyzed. His evil ass daddy!

Look at Hurley with all his conviction.

Jack scared he gon’ die. I can see it on his face.

Ooh, how did they not put the body on the plane! They lost it!

Where did these Others come from?

An Ankh?

What? This makes no sense? Sayid ain’t dead. Poor Jack. He better be a spirit or something when this comes back from the commercial break.

OMG, they put down the ash, the smoke monster. Locke is bad? So Lock really is dead? Damn Smoke Monster. When did the Monster take over Locke and he bet not be done killed Mr. Echo.

OMG, he hurt Richards! Sun and Lepidus know that ain’t Locke.

AAHHHHH SAYID IS ALIVE! I KNEW IT COULDN’T GO DOWN LIKE THAT!