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June 27-28 2009
I submerged myself. Thanks to Taryn I went out to Mingle & Plei and the DJ played a lot of Mike. The TVs were also on VH1’s Mike tribute. I got to hear lovely one, heart break hotel, and can you feel it aloud. I got to watch MJ videos for the 1st time on a large screen. The DJ played remember the time, shakebadadown, working day and night, etc, etc. For the first time in my life, I seriously danced to a Michael Jackson song in public. Now, when I’m by myself I be live and in concert. Gesturing like Mike, Ooh Chhooing and everything. I was just mesmerized to sit and watch the long version of Bad and I played the air guitar with Mac on Black or White and even got brave and watched the monster part of Thriller without covering my face. I was trying to be brave because I was in public. In keeping with my eye-it is; I was in adoration of something as simple as his eyes moving from side to side. That eyeliner sets them off! I be like, ooh, his eyes moved. They are really beautiful when he looks down and to the side. Chevonne and I did the Thriller choreography in our seats. It felt good to be able to get out my grief through dance. I just about rolled my ankle trying to kick my leg on Shakeabadadown, but hey. Also, an anomaly happened…I was dancing and holding back tears. Usually dancing signifies happiness, but a few times I had to bat my eyes like hell to stop the tears from flowing. I also shared my Mike trading cards with Chevonne. I just needed to share some of my collection with somebody so I brought them down to the valley with me today.
I realized something. My dream where I am Chris Tucker’s girlfriend won’t come true. In it Chris and I are sitting at the edge of the bed. We just came back from somewhere and I pitifully lay my head on his shoulder and say in my most innocent 5 yr old voice…Chris, I wonder what Michael’s doing. Chris, can we go to Michael’s house? I don’t think I dreamt long enough to see if he said yes or no. Again, that’s my eye-it is. I like people with big and/or interesting eyes. Terry was my fave member of En Vogue for the same reason and I was all of 10 when they came out.
Before I left to go down to the valley I window chalked a message on my rear window. It reads MICHAEL JACKSON FOREVER. WE LOVE YOU! And I taped one of my glitter gloves to the inside of the window. Kiva, thanks for making me cry. Hands down, what you said in that email is in my top 3 life compliments. I am tearing up now as I type this. Another thing that I have noticed. I haven’t been eating. Today I had my first real meal since Thursday before the news broke. I still only had a drink from Sonic, BBQ and a soda at Susan’s, and ¼ of a pancake meal from IHOP today. I don’t know if my mind is confusing the pain in my stomach with the pain in my heart or what. I just don’t feel compelled to eat.
Chevonne and I stopped by Mike’s star on the walk of fame around 4 something this morning…yea, about 1 ½ hrs ago. It’s 5:30am now. The flowers were stacked up so high and there was no wait. Some radio station had a big corkboard sign made in tribute to Mike and there were all kinds of Mexican people praying candles, and letters. It is just so hard to wrap my mind around this. I just really don’t understand why? Why God? I teared up while talking to an older black dude out there. We both agree with this whole thing feels unreal. The Roosevelt Hotel a tribute to Mike on its Marquee. People make me sick. There was a French chick out there taking pics in front of the memorial like it was a backdrop at the club. It was some black chicks out there too, taking pics down by his star. It sickens me. This is not a time to be cheesin’ for a picture. This is in memory. I have no desire whatsoever to have someone take a picture of me next to a Mike memorial. I feel it is disrespectful. Those people out there didn’t love or know and appreciate him and his music the way I do. Anger courses through my veins as I ponder the wrong that has been done to this world by his passing. Like, I see it. I read it, but I don’t think it has really sunk in that he is gone. I don’t know if I can ever accept that. “This is total BS,” as Bulldog would say. I am going to keep praying with all of my might that I am going to wake up one day and this will all be a lie. Did he wake up Thursday at all? Did he not feel well? Why did the Dr Dude wait so damn long to call 911? Straight up, Mike was gone way before he called. The dude who called 911 said the Dr had been working for more than 30 min to no avail. He was gone at 11 something…I was at the library. Where were the children? I pray for their well being. My left eye has been hurting since last night. I hope ya’ll don’t mind, but I am going to keep sending my nightly thoughts until I can get closure, if that’s possible or until I run out of words to express my sorrow. Speaking of sorrow…
In my darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care?
Will you be there?
In my trials
And in my tribulations
Through my doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my SORROW
In the promise of
Another tomorrow
I’ll never let you part
For You’re always in my heart
~ Will You Be There by Michael Jackson
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