by 
June 26, 2009
I was up so late my eyes burned a deep hot maddening red until 1 something this morning…just to wake up at 5:34am and wallow in despair. I don’t know how I am supposed to get through this. There is a gaping hole in my heart. I can’t hear his music, it hurts too bad. I can look at the picture of him I have as my screensaver, but his fedora obscures his face. If I were white I would have committed suicide by now. How am I to avoid the pain that is sure to come as soon as I leave the house today? I like that Keri Hilson song with Kanye saying “now im bad read bad Michael Jackson, now im mad real mad Joe Jackson.” He finds clever ways to mention Mike. Lord, the children. What about the children. I could not fathom losing my only parent at such a young age. I just don’t understand. Is this a hoax? Some kind of cruel joke? How is it that I wake up this morning to breath another day and he is not somewhere in this world doing the same. I don’t know if I can go to work today if I am called in. I have been feeling nervous. Butterflies abound in my stomach. I hope he found love. I haven’t and to date I really don’t feel as if I belong or really have a purpose in someone’s life. People have kids, husbands, significant others, I just have me. I don’t really feel like I am an intricate part of anyone’s life. I just kind of float around being impressionable, but having no real lasting effect. Maybe that’s what drew me to him, the solitude. I want to hang a banner from the highway, or write a note to him across the rear window of my car in that soccer mom window chalk, but I don’t know if I can execute it. If I ever thought Bernie Mack was something I could not accept, this will surely haunt me for the rest of my days. Why would he be taken from us? I just don’t understand. It’s hard to be in my room and not see him. I have a Mike mouse pad. It’s bad tour. Looks like he is singing Rock With Me by his body language. He has 8 buckles down his right leg. I liked his big WWF Wrestling belts. He has such a small waist. I remember my neos made my greeting to that song. It went…Monica’s going to stroll with you all night. She’s got that 6 on her jacket… I forget how it ended. They made Erica jump out of line and kick her leg. I appreciate that guys, I really do. I just still can’t wrap my mind around this. It’s surreal. I’ve been singing Destiny a lot lately. It goes…
In this world there’s much confusion. And I’ve tasted the city life and it’s not for me. Now I do dream of distant places. Where I don’t know now, but it’s destiny.
If it’s the rich life, I don’t want it. Happiness aint always material things. I want destiny. It’s the place for me. Give me the simple life. I’m getting away from here. Let me be free. Let me be me.
I’m a man that’s for all seasons. What the city offers me aint naturally. I look to greet the stars, but there no stars to see. Gonna search this world until I find my destiny.
I wanna be far from here. Should I up and fly away so fancy free. Nobody can change my mind. I’m screaming out these words for me. While time. Destiny, ah destiny, it’s calling me. Destiny, a place for me. Ah, destiny. I want destiny. It’s the place for me.
Then it goes into the guitar solo and Marlon plays his funky air guitar. Ya’ll be sleeping on Marlon. He be back there jamming! That’s from the Destiny album, 1978. They were on CBS Records before CBS turned into Epic. I don’t know how I am going to face this day.
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