by 
July 4 2009
Was watching CNN Headline News. They ran a story about the casket Mike is going to have. Some gold thing from Batesville, IN. The little white people are all excited about him being buried in one of their town’s caskets. Misplaced excitement is what I call it. They say it’s the same coffin James Brown had. You know, I’m ready for this to be over. Like, for this to be a big publicity stunt. I caught some of the BET Awards. Neyo sang Lady In My Life, but it wasn’t all that great. It was good, but he didn’t conjure up any emotion in me.
= I love you, I breathe you, I need you…and other instances of weakness and yearned for affection.
Having TV sucks now. I keep seeing commercials publicizing the coverage of Mike’s funeral. This feels conflicting. Like, I hope to win the ticket lottery for the memorial, but it’s such a sad occasion. I’ve been putting on a brave face away from home. The other day I felt weird. Dunno if it was a lack of food or what. It was just anxiety. I guess. I don’t want to go home. My heart hurts. How is this ever going to NOT be on my mind? Death is so, I don’t know…instant, sudden. One minute you’re here, the next you ain’t. Read in my People magazine that he got home around 1am. Do you ever know its coming? Do you get a bad feeling? They say the last thing he had to eat was a romaine lettuce salad with chicken. That sounds tasty.
Thinking back…the best moment I had on the dance floor at Mingle and Plei was when the DJ played Dirty Diana. That is my fave song off the Bad album. How can he be gone? Even though you’re gone…all the plans I had I had to give them up and start anew. Making plans for one instead of making plans for two…that’s a pretty song.
=Pretty butterfly, pretty peacock. Proud to be so devoted. So in love, so respected. So your fan. Beautiful man. Beautiful mind. Beautiful eyes. Beautiful and oh so kind. Strong man. Strong willed. Strong heart. Strong in your mastery of the art. Gentle stare. Gentle gestures. Gentle ways and a gentle shoulder to lean on. A gentle friend, but at this point there is no future. It all came so suddenly. It makes me wonder…what’s the use? This thing you cannot avoid.
XM radio is about to play Heartbreak Hotel. I’m sad and am fighting back the tears. I find it hard to be happy and/or festive with this weighing so heavily on my entire body. Everything that makes me who I am is not right. My being is compromised with grief. How do you do this? This grief thing. I am very aware of my mortality. I felt very aware of my existence tonight. How is it that I am watching fireworks over the valley, looking down t an area where is body might lie? My heart is sweating out the stress of living
by