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It’s been a month to the DATE. I wonder if he was awake at this time a month a go. It’s 6:59am. Can you ever truly be ready to go? He has reasons to live. Me, I don’t. Not that I am contemplating leaving here, I’m just saying. Others have kids, significant others, obligations…just motivation to keep on soldiering. I don’t. It’s all on me. It’s just me. I’m tired of it being just me. All the lonely people (i.e., me) where do they all belong? I wonder if he owns that song? I wanna sing. Maybe this week I’ll catch whatever is going on at The World Stage. Outlets are good for the soul.
I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this. There will be people born into this world who will only know of him by what they hear. Not what they’ve witnessed. This is going to be a hard day. It’s starting off with me in the dumps. I don’t even feel like being social. I get a sensation from my soul that I just want to burrow in my blanket and kinda cry myself to sleep. Amel was the catalyst for my sorrow re-emerging. It was always there; just right under the surface….just waiting for the agitation to bring it out of my pores like an arid mist.
Ooh why was this chick dancing super stank at the Conga Room last night? She was oozing Come Fuck Me. There was also a cute black couple. The chick was preggers. Black Love, awww. There’s an epidemic of short men in LA. There was also this guy with a beginner’s high top fade. Looking like Christopher Williams’ older brother. Some dude in a church suit, looking like Ike Turner circa 2001 was there and got escorted out by security. He was sweating profusely and looked ill. I hope he didn’t fall out anywhere. I enjoy being downtown and in LA. I miss city life. The noise, concrete, and police sirens…it’s nice to very convenient. Got up at 6am, left at 6:30am, and got to work 10 minutes early. There’s a guy walking by who looks like Ray Charles. How in the hell is a blind man a womanizer?
God, I’m not having a good day. Joy is playing in my head. Damn, what makes today so hormonally, emotionally, and mentally different from say…3 days ago when I seemed to be making progress? I feel nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach. Lord, please help me make it through this work day and down to my car before I break down. 6 hours and counting…
My heart is stained with a malady of loss.
~Me
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