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It’s 1:09am June 27, 2009. I just got back from Hayvenhurst. AMAZINGLY, I didn’t cry. I don’t know what was going on because all indicators (based on my bursts of tears throughout the day and the butterflies in my stomach as I drove to Encino) said I was going to break down. But I didn’t. I just took it all in. There were all kinds of flowers and bears and poster and candles and flowers and flowers and more flowers. I brought flowers too. Orange looking lilies. Lilies are my favorite flower. My sister went with me. We signed a sympathy card to the family. I mounted a poem I wrote 3 yrs ago on cardstock and left it there. It was good to be in the fellowship for the 1st time in almost 2 yrs. It was really solemn when we first arrive around 8:30pm, but some black dude…I call him the choir director…just started singing Mike songs…and before you know it we were all singing. He started with Heal the World…I sang that at my 6th grade graduation. We sang PYT, I’ll be There…then they went on a tangent singing songs that have too much instrumentation and not enough lyrics to sing and singing 11 yr old boy voice songs in a grown man voice. Anyway, met some cool black people in line. It angered me to see all the camera hogs. Just out there trying to be seen. Putting on an ol’ sambo show for abc7. I just stood at the taped barricade by the gate. I aint trying to be seen. Anyway, Choir Director was like, come on ya’ll, why are we so sad. Michael wouldn’t want you to be sad and he just broke out into song. ABC 7 was exploiting some little kids who couldn’t even spell Michael Jackson…I’m sure they didn’t really know who he was till their mom told them. News sucks in that way. Helicopters flew overhead Some people went in and out of the house in big high profile…I’m important biatch type suv’s. Someone in a white range rover looking vehicle drove out and the black male hand in the back held up a Mike trading card. It’s one of the pink ones. Upon further inspection and a quick reference to my Mike trading card binder…it was card # 30 with the Rock With You outfit on…on tour. Yeah, it’s blurry in the picture but all I need to do is jog a memory and I be on it. YOOOOO, I just took out my binder and looked at pics of Mike! Anyway, dunno who that was. Heard from a lady who had been out there since 9 this morning that Janet flew into Van Nuys Airport around 1am. She went to See’s Candy. I dunno the accuracy of the report. I’m just telling ya’ll what I heard. Randy came or left earlier in a car. I honestly have not really grasped why I was out there. I was just out there fellowshipping. I read all the posters and saw the Mexican people praying candles, but it still hasn’t hit me. The EXACT reason why I was out there. Some stank ass white dude. YEA I SAID IT. Just walks up to me and is like so have you seen anyone. I want to see Janet. I never cared too much for Michael. I want to see Janet. Then he goes on to talk to some chick about speculated personal issues so I just had to tune is bitch ass out cuz I was not about to stand for such insolence on an occasion such as this. I hate people. Some mixed young adults drove in and out. Prolly some the Jacksons offspring. I dunno. Someone said that some dude driving an SUV that went into the gate was a member of 3T. Chile, I couldn’t tell you. I aint seen them since 1996 and I hope to go they don’t look as delicate as they did then. There was an SUV from Georgia that rolled out. So I hear from a source, Hayvenhurst (sorry I thought all of my life until I moved here that the name of the property was Hayvenhurst, so now that I know that is just the street it is on…I am still stuck calling it Hayvenhurst for the bunch of ya’ll who don’t know an texted me back all clueless)…Anyway, I hear from a source that Hayvenhurst was originally a bunch of bungalows, but Mike had them connected some how and Mike used to walk to Gelsons. That’s a supermarket. Up the street. The house supposedly sits pretty far back so when the gate opened all you could see was a garage and security guards in dark suits…and sometimes a small dark dog.
It was not under the current circumstances that I hoped to visit Hayvenhurst. But I did…thanks to support from family, friend, and sorors. This is the longest I have gone without crying since the news broke. Last night my eyes were swollen and very sore so I had to close them. Last time I cried was when Pam called me around 5 something this evening. This feels very surreal. Like an out of body experience. Like I am aware that this is going on, but I am also not fully recognizing or understanding the gravity of the situation. It’s like (yea, I say like a lot) when I am constantly moving I can function, but the minute I sit still that Mike Grief Monkey be on me. I dug out my “I Love Michael Jackson” pin back button and wore it to Hayvenhurst. I will wear it for a while. I have two of them and a Jesse (scratch through Jesse’s name) Michael Jackson for President button. I ordered those back in the day when there wasn’t an eBay. Some middle eastern dude from Cali used to make a Xeroxed catalog and ship them to you upon request and you’d mail in your order form and money order. Yea, I’m old school. Straight 1999 up in this piece! I don’t remember how I even found out how to write to the dude. Prolly the internet. I used to post up in the Mehlville library my Junior year just printing out all kinds of free stuff on the Jacksons. SHOUT OUT TO THE LIBRBARIANS AT MEHLVLLE HIGH WHO SAT ASIDE ALL OLD JET MAGAZINES WITH MIKE ON THE COVER FOR ME, FOR FREE! I cannot believe how close their house is to Ventura. I thought it was going to be way up yonder in the cut and around a mountain…I had rolled right past their house on my way to the Bank of America up the street. You could actually take public transportation there if you had to and walk 1 block, then BAM!
Darren, I guess the egg deal is off. You won’t be able to get Mike to attend my wedding. Ma aint gonna make him a plate of mostcocholi (prolly spelled that wrong). He aint gonna tap me on my shoulder during my first dance and scare the living bejesus daylight out of me. I won’t collapse to the floor in weep filled hysteria at the sight of him He wont slow dance with me. THIS WAS A PART OF A DREAM I HAD. Darren wants to Debbie Rowe me for some cheerin’ and I agreed if he could get Mike to attend my wedding as a personal special guest of the bride. I just wanted him to chill with the family. He aint gotta sing, moonwalk, make a speech. Just be there for me. That was my dream.
I keep seeing his eyes. This just can’t be true. This is the first death close to me. Yea, some family members died, but I had no real connection with them. I am not sure if I am handling this well. I think I am going to need to talk to people or show off some of my Mike stuff to those close to me. Trying to find a therapeutic way to get through this and keep Michaeling (Yes, it’s a verb)
Bad Morning! I wonder if I’ll greet each day with bad morning for the rest of my life.
10:00am
Better morning than yesterday, still Bad though. I got like 7 hours of sleep. Maybe I’ll lose weight. I haven’t been able to eat a lot since it happened. I’ve had a bowl of cereal, some french fries, a granola bar, a biscuit, orange juice, water, and pink lemonade. I called off work yesterday. The people there aren’t sensitive to my needs and I was surely going to cry and scare the customers at random. They don’t know how big of a fan I am. I don’t feel as alive as I did before. Like, some part of me has died with him. He wrote that song Gone Too Soon for Ryan, now we can play it for him. You know, I am numb today. Maybe that is why I am so scrambled and blah. Crap! I have packed up all of my photo albums. The Destiny Tour from London has been in my mind today. I can just see it playing. On Blame It On The Boogie mike sings…I just can’t control my feet. I just can’t control my feet, my feet they just keep on movin… He called Tito a frog. I feel nervous. I have been feeling that a lot. Last night I reflected on my cry when I heard. I have never cried so hard. It was gut-wrenching. I haven never heard such a sorrowful sound in my life. That’s what I feel, sorrow. I don’t know what to do. I just really don’t know what to do. I’m so angry. I told Darren if there is foul-play discovered that person responsible should be allowed to perish at the hands of the fans. I’d really do physical harm to someone for taking him away from me. Like, we could quarter him, use some Nazi/Iraqi torture techniques and let him hang from the town square and slowly die in pain. Oh, have you ever seen him smile? Oh that smile… it just warms my heart and twinkles my toes.
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