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I turn 30 in less than 2 months and I am NOT happy about it. I’m at the age when older people be like “you ain’t married yet?” you ain’t got no kids?” I don’t want kids, marriage is an option, but it’s hard as hell to find a suitable date, none the less a suitable husband. And what man wants a woman who doesn’t want kids? Just watched sex and the city and in 3 yrs that will be me…sitting at a table with my other middle aged friends griping about the world and how fucked up it is to be a single educated black woman in LA. Wait, we do that now. And then I have to think about this whole societal pressure to procreate. I used to pray as a teenager that the lord take my gift of child bearing away and give it to some woman who can’t have kids. Now though, I find myself saying ” awww” when I see a cute baby. I’m not so sure that if I got pregnant I would head for the abortion like I swore to at 24 yrs old. I’m getting soft. I can’t afford a kid. I can barely feed myself. Ooh and to broach another topic; sex.
I am starting to think that I subliminally block myself from any possibility of sex just to make sure I don’t get pregnant. But when keeping away from sex you also keep away from the opposite sex. Clearly I am not a risk taker. What’s a horny chick to do? Bob? I rarely if ever see a man who turns my head. I am not the one to waste her time on men that I am not even remotely interested in. If im interested in you I know it. It doesn’t take dinner and wining and dining for me to figure it out. Im starting to think maybe I should waste my time on dudes im not interestd in right off the bat. It’s one of those things where I will know what Im looking for when I see it. Ain’t nothing like a tall, dark, country man. If you come from one of those former confederate states I”ll holla! Crucnchy black if I can find it. Or maybe I should date outside my race? But am I too black, country, ethnic, thick, and stubborn to attract the fairer skinned stiff legs? And how do I even talk to them. It’s weird without the same shared experiences, history, culture, etc. I would feel like I am not being myself. Like I am on my best behavior in the work place or something.
Maybe I busy myself with so many outside projects so that I won’t have to face my disdain with my life. If I could do anything I wanted right now I would sing, dance, and travel; in that order. I am old. 30 is one of those ages where you reflect back on your life. I don’t enjoy my job, I am single, I am broke. I just really envisioned my self as a Jr Toni Childs by now. I feel like a loser. And to make matters worse I can’t audition for an MTV reality show or do a Glee Flash mob or something. Don’t watch the show anyway, but I digress. I feel stuck in a rut. I know so many people with great things going on in their lives (new jobs, new homes, new babies, engagements, marriges, found $20) and I’m just here. For all of the smiling and dancing and kicking it I do it is the times when I am alone, right here in my room in front of my computer (because I don’t have TV) that I wonder if the world is just passing me by and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs too scared to Just Do It. Whatever it is. I am a special case. An eccentric, excitable, fool full of witty thoughts, inappropriate banter, and the spirit of some really cool regal native american loving bird.
I find myself eating to fill some emotional void lately. Really, it’s 12:32am and you’re eating chocolate covered cloverhill donuts. 3 of them! I often reflect back on my life 5 yrs ago and it seems pretty damn good to me right now. Never take your love or like or even remote interest in what you do for a living for granted. Many a moon ago I had a career, now I have a job. Although I relish in my alone time, I often wish I had company. Yea, it’s me; Monica the middle aged loser. Sitting here eating a grilled cheese sandwich and driking flat rieseling.
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