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What jars us awake in the middle of the night? It’s 4:40 something a.m. Now I feel worried, perplexed, afraid. Since I’ve been tossing and turning in the dark I have been worried about Mike. This whole situation is just eating me up from the inside out. Why did he need to sleep so bad that he’d go to those lengths? There is such a risk in that. What went wrong? I don’t think I understand yet. I’m tired of hearing things about “supposed” his personal life and his medical issues. I just don’t think I want to know all of that. I’m scared and sad and confused and angry. I just keep worrying that he was alone in the end. Gotta be pretty lucky not to go alone. My mom would always say…when I didn’t want to do things alone…”You are born by yourself, you’ll die by yourself.” At least it wasn’t in a hospital. I just want people to stop doing him like this. It’s so unfair. It’s just so wrong and so short sighted.
Is this the beginning of the end? I just really need things to get better because I worry for myself. I know I can’t be the only fan going through this. I face each day with great uncertainty. I don’t know if I was dreaming about him when I woke up, but he sure as hell was on my mind when I awoke. I feel that Diana Ross was on my mind/in my dream, but that could just be synapse residue from watching and enjoying her in Mahogany the other day. I do remember reflecting on that time she was over seas singing with that blonde wig and red pants suit on. She came down and sat on Mike’s lap and sang to him. He looked so bashful and happy. He tends to hide his smile sometimes; like Ceelie.
My neck is tight with the stress of a hard life. I hurt on so many levels it’s damn near metaphysical. I don’t want to greet each day with questions. I want to wake up and go to sleep with a game plan…execution in progress. Sleep…how do you do it? I think too much. Bed Time is when I am finally still and everything comes crashing in…my mind just jumps from place to place; leaving no room for slumber without a fight.
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