by 
I wrote this blog entry back in June 2013 and never published it. I actually forgot about it til last month. Once I read it again I became afraid to share my feelings about failed love and self doubt, then I thought maybe someone could learn from this or feel like they are not the only ones going through relationship purgatory
I was told by a man that I was too strong of a woman…maybe you are too weak of a man. I am not going to doubt myself a moment longer. I am going to stand resolute and be exactly who God made me to be. If you cannot allow me to move in my own time you aren’t the man for me. I pray for strength and that this time it holds. There is no going back to a relationship purgatory. I told him that I liked him a lot and had deep feelings for him and wanted to pursue a relationship. He needed affection like yesterday. I admitted I had some work to do in that department, but when he told me he wasn’t going to make me a priority if I wasn’t going to make some changes it felt like a slap in the face. It was rejection. I have never had to play second or third fiddle so I was taken aback by that. Instantly I was in defense mode. Why do you develop feelings for a person who you cannot get along with for a prolonged period of time? Is there something wrong with me? Am I angry and bitter from some past experience? From my recollection, my last relationship didn’t end in drama and heartbreak so why is this so difficult for me? I wish I could reach out to my ex and ask if some of the issues I am having now were problems for him. Maybe he was better equipped to handle said issues. I don’t know. It feels mighty bad to feel less than when you know you are worthy of everything under the sun.
Maybe I set myself up for failure. What hurt the most was that I really started to let my guard down. I showed vulnerability to a person outside of my family…and it wasn’t enough. The changes that I made just weren’t enough. Back to the drawing board. I’m so mad at myself for passing up chances with other men who didn’t quite captivate my heart the way he did. Who didn’t quite make me feel the way he made me feel. If I’d jumped his bones last year he’d be happy and we probably still wouldn’t even be in a relationship. It’s funny that today at work I went over it over and over again in my mind. How I was gonna tell him that I wanted a relationship with him and tonight we are where we are right now.
There were signs. There are always signs, but I chose to ignore them. Twice in the past couple of weeks he made it abundantly clear that I was not a woman that he would commit to no time soon. Silly of me to hold on to hope. Or was it wishful thinking. I often wonder if this was God or if it was the Devil. What is it about this man that for the past 7 months I have not been able to shake. What is it that after the January, February, and March blow ups we still somehow managed to keep this fuckery of emotions and ego going?
No one changes. You gonna be the charming insecure man you are and I am going to be the too strong not overly affectionate woman I am. There is no changing who you are at your core. But what will change is the respective people we choose to have in our romantic lives. And I bet they will be a much better match. If we are the core, they are the flesh. We were a peach pit and an orange trying to mesh…only science can bring the two together…not even the human basic need of love could keep us stitched. Our foundation was never strong in the first place.
It seemed like everything I was proud of about me he shunned. He told me I was too womanly. He told me I should “put out.” He didn’t like natural hair…unbeknownst to him I am natural. So now I sit here writing. Not angry. A little mad. Not crying…although I can feel the pressure of tears wanting to release from my passages. There’s something about the 4th time that’s different.
If I could go back in time I would wish that I were able to warm up quicker and be more affectionate. But even with all of that I am still not certain that I would be in a relationship with him today. He wouldn’t be my boyfriend because we’d still have the same issues of me being too strong of a woman even if I had succumbed to the powers of nature. In this one I was going on feel. And I did not feel that the time was right. I’d act only when I felt it and not a moment sooner. It’s interesting he said me not being all over him made him feel unattractive. I found that odd, because you should feel great about yourself and some woman fawning over you shouldn’t make or break your self esteem. I just think it’s insecurity.
He’s not a bad man, maybe just not the man I’m meant to be with. Maybe God sent him along as a challenge and to get the ball rolling to work on myself.
What he wanted was affection and I move too slow. What I wanted was his time and he was always busy. This purgatory, umm umm umm. It becomes a mental holding cell. Where one day it looks promising that you’ll be released and the next you sitting in between despair and loneliness.
It took 7 months. 5 of which have been rather turbulent with long bouts of us not communicating or seeing each other. For some reason this cycle has run its course. I look back and I smile at the good times we had. And I hang my head in sadness at all of the hard times. Two phenomenal people on our own, but together we are passionate, inconsistent and entitled to shit that the other person doesn’t naturally give. Opposites don’t attract…they more like combust. This shit just blew up. Now I need to go out and find a way to put out the fire, collect all of the shrapnel and debris, and take another chance on love.
7 months later…he told me that I was too strong of a woman. He told me I was not at the top of his list when he was at the top of mine. He said nice words, but his tone was venomous. I said harsh words and my tone was venomous. He told me that I play the victim. I didn’t know that. Had never heard that. Still don’t understand exactly how.
It became apparent that this shit wasn’t going nowhere…and here we are. He said hit him up tomorrow. I told him I would not because I need time and space to deal with my emotions and try to wrap my mind around the fact that I want a man that I cannot have. I am not him. If we are on the phone arguing and just said that we cannot and will not pursue a relationship with each other why in the hell would I call you tomorrow to shoot the breeze? Tomorrow’s conversation would be generic and dry at best. How am I to give up on loving you then call your tomorrow like ain’t shit happen. Was this all in my head?
Maybe the 4th time is the charm. Love songs (good and bad) started to make a lot of sense to me in the past 5 months. I stepped outside of my norm on this one and unlike the Sanaa Lathan movie…Something New did not work out for me. It’s scary for a single black woman over 30. I put myself in a position to be sad (kinda) with someone over being happy by myself. I never knew that I was deficient until I met him. But as I get ready to lie down for the night I pray that my emotions don’t overtake me. Tomorrow will be a new day and another man will come…hopefully soon.
by